Fun Stuff

Save the Donkey! Based on actual events

Save the Donkey!

This story is based on actual events. They happened almost entirely but not quite exactly just like this.

FADE IN

EXT A COUNTRY ROAD. INT. A CAR

BILLY and BECKY are on a road trip. Billy is driving. Becky is several months pregnant. They enter a weird little town with no name. As they enter, there is a sign: POPULATION 250. WELCOME. On one side of the road is a local beauty salon where old ladies are coming in and out at what appears to be an unnatural rate. It is the only thing on the lonely strip of road, aside from what appears to be a donkey farm across the street and golden arches in the distance. Donkeys are wandering un-fenced around a large pond and roaming all over the side of the road. They watch Billy and Becky’s car with suspicious little donkey eyes and bray as they drive past.

BECKY
Billy! Stop here.

BILLY
What? Here? Why?

BECKY
I want a fish sandwich!

BILLY
Sighs
Can’t we wait until we get to the next town? This place is weird. It doesn’t even have a name, and I’m pretty sure that donkey just winked at me.

BECKY
Flatly
Don’t flatter yourself. Not even a lady donkey wants to tap that.
She glares at him
Billy, if you do not pull over right now and get me a fish sandwich, so help me god, I will go back in time and tell myself to never ever have sex with you because you are trying to starve our baby to death! Also, you morning breath is revolting.

Billy sighs.

CUT TO EXT. A PICNIC BENCH ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD OVERLOOKING THE DONKEY PARK

Billy and Becky are eating fish sandwiches. The donkeys are nearby, grazing on grass and watching them suspiciously. Billy is looking at them warily.

BECKY
These fish sandwiches are disgusting. Why didn’t you just keep driving?

Billy sighs and drops his sandwich as he hears a shrieking noise coming from the donkey park. They look around at the donkeys. They see a large lady donkey stomping her feet and bobbing her head at the edge of the pond. The other donkeys are surrounding her and looking back at the humans on the bench with glaring eyes, as if they have somehow caused the ruckus.

BECKY
What the hell is wrong with that donkey?

BILLY
Uncomfortable
They’re just weird donkey noises. It might be a mating call or something. There’s nothing wrong with it.

The donkey shrieks again.

BECKY
Billy, go see.

BILLY
What? You want me to go over there?

BECKY
Yes! Go!

Billy pushes aside his sandwich and approaches the donkeys tentatively. Becky follows him to the ring of donkeys surrounding the pond and the shrieking lady donkey. As they approach, they realize there is a baby donkey drowning in the pond. The mother donkey is nudging it with her nose, but is unable to pull her baby out of the water. The little baby donkey is shrieking, and the mother is becoming wildly hysterical.

BILLY
Becky! That baby donkey is drowning in the pond!

BECKY
Get it out! Save the baby donkey!

Billy looks at her incredulously, but she gives him a stern look, and he approaches the donkeys. As he does, the mother donkey turns on him and becomes angry. She charges at him, her eyes blazing. He is afraid and backs up, but as he does, Becky shoves him back towards the mother donkey. Billy and the mother donkey engage in a stand off, circling each other in fighting stances.

BECKY OFF SCREEN
Shrieking hysterically
There’s a baby drowning! A baby!

As Billy faces off with the mother donkey, a shockingly huge crowd of ladies surround him. The mother donkey charges him, and they engage in a donkey/human wrestling match. Billy is a terrible wrestler. The donkey is clearly coming out on top.

WOMAN IN THE CROWD
What are you doing there, young man? You don’t treat donkeys that way!

BECKY
Increasingly hysterical. She is pulling at her hair and jumping up and down
Billy, save the baby donkey!

WOMAN IN THE CROWD
There’s a baby donkey?

BILLY
The mother donkey is bearing down on him, and he appears to have lost the fight
A little help here, someone!

An old woman marches over to the mother donkey and smacks it smartly on the nose with her handbag. The mother donkey blinks in surprise and staggers away. Billy jumps to his feet.

OLD WOMAN
You get that baby now, young man.

BECKY
Billy, save the baby donkey!

Billy rushes to the pond and plucks the baby donkey from the water. It appears to be perfectly fine, but it is wet and probably smelly. The crowd cheers loudly and wildly, as if he has performed the most heroic feat they have ever seen. Becky rushes to him, kissing him on the cheek. He beams and holds the baby up for all to see. An old FARMER arrives beside Billy, panting as if he has been running to see what the commotion is all about.

FARMER
Just what is goin’ on here?

WOMAN IN THE CROWD
This young man is a hero! He just saved that baby donkey!

FARMER
Is that so?
He looks around at the donkeys in interest.
We didn’t have any babies yesterday. This little guy must just be born. Where’s the momma?

Billy points at the still disoriented mother donkey.

FARMER
Well, ain’t that something’. I didn’t even know old Fiona was pregnant. So, what are you going to name him, son?

Billy looks confused

BILLY
What?

FARMER
You gotta name him. You’re his hero.

BILLY
Looks at Becky.
How about…Phil?

Becky beams. The farmer claps Billy on the shoulder.

FARMER
Well, make sure you feed him everyday and don’t let him eat up your yard. The little bastards will raze a lawn quicker than a twister.

Billy looks puzzled.

FARMER
Well, we can’t let your great deed go unrewarded, can we? Besides now that you’ve touched him, his momma won’t have him.

The crowd cheers and disperses so quickly, Billy and Becky are left in eerie silence. Billy looks down at the baby donkey and holds it out to Becky. Becky recoils.

BECKY
Eew! Don’t look at me. You’re the one who pulled the stinky little thing out of the water.

Billy watches incredulously as she turns away and starts towards the car.

BECKY
Just toss it on the side of the road or drown it in the pond or something.

Billy stands there, alone with baby donkey Phil. Phil brays. Sadly. Because he knows he isn’t wanted.

FADE OUT

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